Loneliness

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Loneliness – I feel so alone sometimes.   I made choices in my life and lately it seems like nothing matters.   Sometimes I feel like I do not matter  to anyone.  It seems that I am only used and I should not feel that way.  I want cuddles, love and attention just like everyone else.  I should not feel this way.  I do not really understand things  that are going on anymore. I am trying and really do not understand most of it all.. I am so lost and confused.   I don’t know sometimes.    I just do not know sometimes any more. I want to cry and so tired of crying my poor eyes hurt so bad from crying.    I should possibly move on and yet I am..  I  care deeply and I love him but I am so tired of being alone and lonely.   I sometimes feel that he is ashamed of me, that he feels the need to hide me. The only time I have met anyone in his Family. I was introduced as his friend. I never met but 2 people in his family. Well 3 and I was introduced as his friend.. I have never met his mom, or any one else in his family. I am not allowed to have pictures any where of us.  None on Facebook,  None on Instagram, No where on the web at all. It kind of makes me curious of what he thinks of me. It is hard for me to ask him because every time I do, he gets annoyed with me.   I feel like I failed at time because it is like he never wants to be seen with me because he is never around me really.. I am always alone and when I do see him it is 10 Minutes to an Hour here and their and honestly I need more..  I need snuggles and cuddles at times. I am human and that is something we all want and need.   I guess that is enough for now before the tears start to fall again.  

xoxo
Samantha Renee

Stereotypes

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Why is it that people tend to stereo type you?  I do not get it. Unless you fully understand what Transgender is DO NOT STEREO TYPE ME.  Get to know the facts and learn to read a book from cover to cover before you judge someone.  No, I am not transgender, but Chris is.  Does that make  any difference to me? No, I love him for who he is and how he makes me feel.  People seem to place stereo types on everything they do not fully understand.  I  am not completely sure why labeling someone makes people feel better.  What people do not seem to understand is that I was married for 19 years to a Man.  Just because Chris is transgender ( female to male) does not make me a lesbian.  I think to myself, really what the fuck. It annoys me to no end that people judge Chris constantly, but do not judge me or label me!  I am human and to human is to error.   You can judge me but honestly before you label get to know me.  When you are looking for a book. Do you simply look at the back of the book and decide by that? No, You do research on it and decide from that.  Never Judge, simple get to know me and ask questions if you must.  I am just like a book. I am open and honest about everything.   Don’t like it tough. Do not stereotype me!

Ok that is enough on the rant.. I will be back with more!

LGBT

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Not something you hear everyday at work. See I work in a truck stop and I hear all kinds of things and talk to alot of different people on a daily basis.
Though when you go on break and you hear 2 adult females arguing back and forth over one topic it stays with you for a bit.  It is not something people
talk about usually and most people if you ask them if they know what It means they look at you funny. So with that being said.  LGBT  – Lesbian – Gay – Bi – Transgender!
Yes,  usually pay no mind to anything but yesterday I happened to walk in the Ladies Restroom while I was on my break and 2 ladies were  arguing back and forth between the stalls over this.  They were saying that The LGBT Community has no rights what so ever. I am standing there thinking to my self, that I am in this community since I am engaged to someone who is Transgender.
Yes, Chris is transgender! I am not ashamed to tell anyone. I love him and I am proud of him!

Though back to the topic. Yes, The LGBT Community has the same rights as everyone else.  We are all made equal and who we choose to love is no ones business but our own.
It does not make us different from anyone else. We still feel the same way, we love the same way and we hurt the same way.

Who Saves You?

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Who Saves You?  Sitting here all alone most of the time gives me alot of time to think.  I save everyone, but in the end who saves me is the question I am asking myself.  Sometimes I need someone to save me instead of me trying to save everyone.  Especially now with so much going on in life I am not sure how I am going to make it on my own right now.  I do not have a vehicle to really get around much less do anything else.   I have to move out of this place due to the landlord being a jerk and not understand anything when it comes to not having a job for a month and no one helping you like they were supposed to.  Now I have a job granted it only pays so much and I get maybe 270 after taxes a week so its hard.  So I am trying to find a new place to live as well as everything else, it is crazy. I can only do so much with no vehicle, I am ready to scream. So really I ask my self who saves me when I am needing saving?  This is not helping my depression at all, it is all that I can do not to cry all the time anymore.  I need saving right about now.   Lately all I have wanted to do is curl up in a ball watch Netflix and cry.  It seems to be my life, I miss Chris so much lately it’s not funny.   Sometimes any more all I get is a really busy, a good night and love you.   Sometimes I want more and need more.  I know work has been crazy for him because he is playing supervisor, but what about your fiancee?  Do I matter sometimes?  I guess I will find out when he comes home Saturday and Sunday. Possibly both days if I am lucky enough.  So I guess we will see how it goes.    So I guess then I will see who is saving me.. In the mean time I am saving myself, well more or less letting myself fall farther into this depression and I can’t get my self out of it lately..  I do nothing but work, come home take care of his dog, sleep and go back to work. It is the same cycle to rinse and repeat.  Over and over again.  I can not even go to the store just to get out of the house.    So I am sinking more instead of saving myself.     I guess with this only time will tell.

Trust?

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What is Trust exactly? Yes, I know what it means and yes I know that it is something that is earned and not easily given, but do you know how bad it hurts when you are in a relationship and you are told that he does not trust you.  Yes, In the past I have made mistakes. Who has not made them? We are human and we make mistakes and we are not perfect by any means.   I give you all the trust in the world and I get nothing in return.. Ummm.. REALLY.. That kind of hurts ALOT!   What seems to hurt the most is the fact that he is never around to earn my trust. Is this how you are supposed to earn someones trust. Spy on them, have someone spy on them, REALLY..  I work, Yes in my line of work I have to talk to customers all day and Smile and be polite.. I am not going to frown and all.. That is not good customer service. I work at a Truck Stop. So I deal with Truckers who are looking for that friendly face when they stop.  As far as it goes is a smile and how is your day going? That is it. Why is that a reason not to trust.. If you a re in a relationship and you say you love the person. You should trust them. Right?

I guess I have this concept wrong of what Trust really is? Am I destined to be untrustworthy for the rest of my life.
And I thought the saying goes ” Why Accuse someone of cheating or doing something they are not when you are the one doing it.”
Do I have that wrong to?

When You tell me you want to move back in with your ex Girlfriend to be near the kids because you have to get them back in your life.. Being there for the kids is not something I have a problem with I never once said you can not go spend time with them. I have the issue of Moving back in with the Ex Girlfriend part!  I am supposed to be the Fiance. Engaged to you and this is what I am told.  I do not have my engagement Ring, its always been some reason or another.    I trust him completely and get nothing in return.

Ok, Enough ranting. I want to get this posted. I will be back with an update and more soon.

xoxo,
Samantha Renee

Sinking

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The divorce has been final since the 11th of August and yes I am  happy about that but lately I feel that I am sinking and I do not know how to pull myself out of this depression that I am in lately.  I am struggling as it is to keep my head above water. I am trying my best to pay my bills as well as everything else and sadly right now I am not even doing that. I am struggling so bad its not funny. I am literally sinking.  I feel like no matter what I do or what I try I am never going to be able to pull my self back from this. I have been working my ass off and I have nothing to show for it. I mean nothing.  Yes I get a pay check every week, but I have no car, and need to find a place to go.. I can not stay here really any longer and until I get a vehicle I can not really do anything because of the simple fact I have no way to get anywhere. The tags are dead on the van, the breaks are bad as well as Rick never paid the insurance on it so I am screwed literally and not in a good way.  So what is it that I am supposed to do. How am I to pull my self up when I have no one to lean on?  That is the thing I have been asking my self lately. Who is there for me to depend on when I can not even depend on my self right now? No one really.. It seems that no matter how hard I try to help others, when I need the help no one is around.    So my days have been filled with working, reading and now since my blog is finally done, I will be posting more.  I want to blog the way I want to and not have someone else tell me what to post when to post or how to post.  I want to share my struggles with others from the beginning to the end. No my life has never been a cake walk and so much I can write about and maybe it will help me be a better person for sharing it with the world.  Anyways I am going to go curl up on the couch with some fruit loops and watch Netflix.  I will be back soon!