Long Overdue

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Well It is time I actually sat down and updated everyone on what is going on in my Life.. Well, I think the last time I wrote anything was living in a hotel.. Well let me just tell you things have changed and have gotten alot better..

Diana is in New Jersey with the Ex and His New Wife.. Yes He remarried.  Christianna loves her and you know thats ok even though she barely speaks to me.   I am living in Pennsylvania now and am Engaged. Well I should say getting Married in less than a week..    Richard is still in West Virginia as far as I know and is doing well for him self. I try and talk to all the kids. Well when they talk to me that is..

It is Exciting but I am a nervous wreck.. It is not a big huge wedding. Just something Simple and Sweet.. The way I want it.. Pictures will come trust me..   I am sure everyone will get tired of seeing them after a while..

Anyways Before I get More into that. I guess I should give you a Full update..
In June I moved from West Virginia to Pennsylvania and started life here.  It was very hectic and I thought  finding someone who actually loved me for me and was not using me would be hard but  I was wrong.  More on that soon..  I have seen the girls 2 times since I have been in PA and its been hard but you can only do so much when the X husband will not allow you to see them..

 

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Life in General!

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Isn’t that the truth? I keep so much to my self because it seems that no one really understands.  The last few months seems to be total hell and chaos! Well as most of my readers knew I moved from Indiana back to West Virginia to be closer to the kids. Well that did not go exactly as planned.. Come to find out my ex husband is actually moving to New Jersey. So Yeah..  I get that and I understand completely.  So as some knew that I was actually staying with him and the kids for a bit but his Girl friend did not like the fact that I was there so I had to leave. I had no place to go so a friend of mine let me stay with her because that is where Diana was staying for school. Well that was ok but things kind of went all wrong and crazy.  Diana was the one doing all the chores and her kids and her did nothing.. Even when I came home from work I had to help Diana.. So it was stressful, lots of yelling and screaming and all everyday.

Now we are in a Hotel for a week. Probably not the best place but you know it is better than the van or someplace else worse.  I am grateful that I have an amazing man in my life who puts me and Diana first..  I will have to explain more on that later.

Anyways I am still working at Flying J and now they cut me from 37 hours down to 20 hours a week and that is crazy. I am not sure how they expect me to actually support my child with 20 hours a week..  I am not sure at all, I guess it maybe something that I have to figure out.

Never Good Enough ?

Ever have the moments where you feel like you are Never Good Enough?   Lately it seems that I am never good enough for anyone not even my family.   From being told you are a Disgrace and Disappointment that just makes you feel great.   Then the next day being told the next day it never was said.  So I am like really What the Hell do I do. I can not please everyone and cant seem to make everyone happy.  I do my best and try to make everyone happy and of course I am human and I make mistakes.  No one in life is perfect and if you think you are perfect then you need to look in the mirror.  Hell I admit I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes, I know that I am human and I make mistakes.
I do my best.   I work all the time and do nothing.. So how am I making mistakes now? I guess it is because of the simple fact that I do what ever I can.

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling Better

I have been feeling  a little bit better. The crying has stopped so that is a plus.  I have yet to discover anything else right now. Though honestly I am so afraid of being alone. I honestly hate being alone sometimes and yes there is nothing I can do about that
really.   I am ok really I am well  I try and be any ways.  Though really and honestly I can not afford another heartbreak.   It seems that is all I am ever meant for is heartache.  I try my best to understand why things happen like this as well as why am I the one destined for heartache.  At times I wonder if  its just because right now I am so scattered and have been stressed. Maybe after the first of the year things will be alot better and there will be no more heart break.    Thankfully I am feeling better about things and that is the only way to be.  I am doing the best I can with everything!   I am managing to get things paid and hopefully caught up maybe.   That one is a tough question though.  Anyways I better close so I can get some rest. I am getting sick and sadly I am so tired.  Sweet Dreams Everyone!

When is it really over?

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When is a relationship really over? I mean you love someone and give this person your all and get nothing in return. I do not understand it really.  I mean I would bend over backwards to help and of course when I am the one who needs help I get nothing in return.   I never asked  for anything.  So sometimes I am wondering when is it really over?   I have cried so many moments and spent so many nights alone.  I hate being alone.. When I have a bad day at work I want to come home and have someone to hold me and tell me things are ok.   I want someone to hold me at  night when I have a nightmare.   I want someone to be goofy with me, cuddle me and watch movies and stupid shows with me.  I want someone who will come to work just to surprise me and and just tell me that they love me.   Sometimes it seems that it is something that I will never have though.  Sometimes I wonder when things will really be over? Or is it something that I want to end.  I love him yes and always have since he walked into my life 3 years ago but sometimes I need more out of this relationship as well.  I need  Love,  Attention and Cuddles just as much as the next person.    I ask my self every day will I ever get what I want out of life and a relationship but it seems that question is not what is ever answered.   I wish I knew how to answer that question or is it ever possible for me to be loved again?   Time will tell as with all things in life, love and happiness..

xoxo

Loneliness

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Loneliness – I feel so alone sometimes.   I made choices in my life and lately it seems like nothing matters.   Sometimes I feel like I do not matter  to anyone.  It seems that I am only used and I should not feel that way.  I want cuddles, love and attention just like everyone else.  I should not feel this way.  I do not really understand things  that are going on anymore. I am trying and really do not understand most of it all.. I am so lost and confused.   I don’t know sometimes.    I just do not know sometimes any more. I want to cry and so tired of crying my poor eyes hurt so bad from crying.    I should possibly move on and yet I am..  I  care deeply and I love him but I am so tired of being alone and lonely.   I sometimes feel that he is ashamed of me, that he feels the need to hide me. The only time I have met anyone in his Family. I was introduced as his friend. I never met but 2 people in his family. Well 3 and I was introduced as his friend.. I have never met his mom, or any one else in his family. I am not allowed to have pictures any where of us.  None on Facebook,  None on Instagram, No where on the web at all. It kind of makes me curious of what he thinks of me. It is hard for me to ask him because every time I do, he gets annoyed with me.   I feel like I failed at time because it is like he never wants to be seen with me because he is never around me really.. I am always alone and when I do see him it is 10 Minutes to an Hour here and their and honestly I need more..  I need snuggles and cuddles at times. I am human and that is something we all want and need.   I guess that is enough for now before the tears start to fall again.  

xoxo
Samantha Renee

Stereotypes

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Why is it that people tend to stereo type you?  I do not get it. Unless you fully understand what Transgender is DO NOT STEREO TYPE ME.  Get to know the facts and learn to read a book from cover to cover before you judge someone.  No, I am not transgender, but Chris is.  Does that make  any difference to me? No, I love him for who he is and how he makes me feel.  People seem to place stereo types on everything they do not fully understand.  I  am not completely sure why labeling someone makes people feel better.  What people do not seem to understand is that I was married for 19 years to a Man.  Just because Chris is transgender ( female to male) does not make me a lesbian.  I think to myself, really what the fuck. It annoys me to no end that people judge Chris constantly, but do not judge me or label me!  I am human and to human is to error.   You can judge me but honestly before you label get to know me.  When you are looking for a book. Do you simply look at the back of the book and decide by that? No, You do research on it and decide from that.  Never Judge, simple get to know me and ask questions if you must.  I am just like a book. I am open and honest about everything.   Don’t like it tough. Do not stereotype me!

Ok that is enough on the rant.. I will be back with more!