Reflections

Don’t Look Back – You’re Not Going – That Way!
Though it never hurts to sit back and  reflect on things that made you who you are today!

Reflections of the past are not a bad thing necessarily but they can remind us we have a full life and future ahead of us.   This morning talking to my dearest and sweetest friend Lynda
(aka My Sweet Pea!) We were talking about the past and how I have became a stronger better person because of it..  No matter what I went through or had to endure I always pulled
my self up and started all over again!  I am guessing I should go into a bit more detail than that huh..  Ok So I guess I will.. Here it goes

Since March of 2016 When I left West Virginia to move to Indiana I knew that things would not be easy or simple.. I fell for the most amazing person at the time and though
I was on top of the world only to fall flat on my face a few times.  I get their and I meet Chris for the first time face to face and was ecstatic with love and joy!  The first few nights
we stayed in a hotel and then after wards we went camping.  That is when it went down hill after a few short days.. He had lost him home and had no place for us to go.. So I ended
up sleeping in my Van as did he when he got off work!   That lasted March and April – I had gotten a job at Amazon through a temp agency  and worked to save up the money to
get a place to live.. It took me a bit but by May I was able to get us a place to live in a trailer park.  I changed jobs and started working at the Flying J instead. I loved my new job and
I was happy I was able to have a life outside of working and sleeping. I was able to work normal hours and got to see Chris abit more.

Though a few weeks into that things went down hill fast.. He stopped coming home but would always text me and call me.. Said he was working due to Peek and every one knows that
around certain times of the year amazon is crazy with back logs on orders and so forth so I without a doubt believed him.. He would come home at times and spend time with me even if it
was a few short hours a day.. I did not mind or care as long as I was able to get some time that is all that I really wanted!   It was summer time and yes in June is when Peek for Amazon starts
picking up!  It was ok though I got used to it.. Then by the end of August when my divorce from Rick was final it was suddenly Chris had to file bankruptcy and all this other stuff to stay
out of jail due to medical bills because of his heart condition. I did not know any better so any of the extra money I got went to help with that.  I thought at first it was the stupidest thing I have ever heard of but not impossible with the Laws in certain states.

After he got the money to get that paid off – Things seemed to have its ups and downs. It all took an emotional toll on me. I moved from the trailer and into a small 1 bedroom apartment.  It was cheaper on me in the long run.  Chris came home less and less. No matter how many times he promised it seemed to be broken promises.   My birthday we were supposed to spend time together for  the day and i was only able to get 3 hours due to the fact of he had to work!  I was hurt, disappointed and cried all night!  It seemed to be a normal thing.. Though he called later that night and I felt a little better!   Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all came around and I spent the time working.  It was the end of January He made the decision with out me to send me back to West Virginia and he would get a transfer up that way so we would have a life together..  That was the end of December 2016!  I  did end up back in WVa. Got my job transferred to the Flying J in Winchester and I stayed with Rick and the Kids till February of 2017 then I moved in With Crystal.. That was a nightmare and a half but I survived..   Chris never got the transfer to Virginia but to Arizona instead so I was told any way!  I was never allowed to know more than that.. Never given an address anything!   He called and Texted me daily still..   Through the Months at Crystals I had Diana and I loved being able to be near the kids.  It was May and the roof in the bed room Diana and I slept in collapsed and we had no place to say.. Rick let me stay their a bit but that did not last long at all..  I had to take the girls back and forth to school though i did not mind if I was off in time.

It was June and I was in a hotel for a while paid for by one of my friends – Sending me 186.00 a week to pay for the room and all I had to do was get food and so forth. I was ok with that..  It was July and my friend suggest me move to PA and I would have a place to stay rent free and all.. I just needed to get a job and so forth and help with the house hold bills which I did that and I was ok with it..  Moved to PA started working at Staples and that lasted for a while.. Chris ended the relationship and I was broken.. Told me he had found someone else and all this other stuff.. When that happens alot goes through your mind and you wonder if you are ever good enough for anyone..  I found my self getting on Second Life more and more and that is where I met Kris..  I was not looking for anyone but their she was!  She took me by surprise..

Talking we realized we only lived 45 minutes from one another so we took a chance and met and have been together every since August 2017. Some may say we got married way to fast but after a failing marriage and a broken heart after so long together you know what is right for you.. I will tell you that after Chris ended things I was constantly depressed, crying. Wondering what I did wrong. Wondering why this is happening to me.. Wondering if I was meant to be alone forever!   Kris came into my life at just the right moment and picked things up and turned them around!  It was October and I moved in with her and her family, I got the job I have now at Walmart!

I often look back on things and how things changed me but I never dwell on the past! It is never a good thing to do.  Some times I do wish things were a bit different in the past and Chris let go of me sooner than he did but you know I can not change that only except the fact that he did when he thought it was the right time to and for that I am grateful. I am grateful for what he taught me and what he showed me as well as the love he gave me!  Though the past has made me the person I am today! It has taught me it is ok to be weak as long as I dont make my self vulnerable.  It has made a Strong and Independent person!  One who has learned from her mistakes and flaws and looks back on how to make things right!

What is your reflection of the past and what has it taught you?

Hello June

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Hello June, You have never looked so good!  May was a rough but amazing ride!  So much happened and so much to tell.  Sad part is I know that depression is right around the corner if I let it get to me so  I am trying not to let that happen. Though I should be pretty happy!

You all know what an ass Ex Husbands can be especially mine if you know him or have heard me talk about him at times.. Well lets put it this way he thinks he can get to me but hell that is not happening.. He took the van back after I have had it since 2016!  Wow really and he had the nerve to say the House is an upgrade compaired to what I was living in when I first moved to Pennsylvania. I am thinking to my self what was he expecting when I first got here a 4 bedroom house with a 3 car garage. Yeah that is really damn near impossible on a cashiers salary!  Oh and did I mention he showed up with his New Wife!  Yes he decided to get remarried the end of April. Knowing I was planning to the middle of May..  Oh well..

So as some of you have heard I got remarried May 12, 2018! I swore it would never happen but honestly what can I say I found someone who changed my mind completely! I have been told that I should never re-marry again after my first divorce but you know we all have to start over at somepoint in time!   I must say that over the few years I have learned alot. Mainly about Independance as well as taking care of my self before I can others. Though that one I am still working on.  You also realize that you may may go through a few bad relationships to get that one perfect one who will change your whole outlook and everything on life!

Sometimes alot has to happen in a persons life to make them see things and it truly has!

 

 

 

Life in General!

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Isn’t that the truth? I keep so much to my self because it seems that no one really understands.  The last few months seems to be total hell and chaos! Well as most of my readers knew I moved from Indiana back to West Virginia to be closer to the kids. Well that did not go exactly as planned.. Come to find out my ex husband is actually moving to New Jersey. So Yeah..  I get that and I understand completely.  So as some knew that I was actually staying with him and the kids for a bit but his Girl friend did not like the fact that I was there so I had to leave. I had no place to go so a friend of mine let me stay with her because that is where Diana was staying for school. Well that was ok but things kind of went all wrong and crazy.  Diana was the one doing all the chores and her kids and her did nothing.. Even when I came home from work I had to help Diana.. So it was stressful, lots of yelling and screaming and all everyday.

Now we are in a Hotel for a week. Probably not the best place but you know it is better than the van or someplace else worse.  I am grateful that I have an amazing man in my life who puts me and Diana first..  I will have to explain more on that later.

Anyways I am still working at Flying J and now they cut me from 37 hours down to 20 hours a week and that is crazy. I am not sure how they expect me to actually support my child with 20 hours a week..  I am not sure at all, I guess it maybe something that I have to figure out.

Never Good Enough ?

Ever have the moments where you feel like you are Never Good Enough?   Lately it seems that I am never good enough for anyone not even my family.   From being told you are a Disgrace and Disappointment that just makes you feel great.   Then the next day being told the next day it never was said.  So I am like really What the Hell do I do. I can not please everyone and cant seem to make everyone happy.  I do my best and try to make everyone happy and of course I am human and I make mistakes.  No one in life is perfect and if you think you are perfect then you need to look in the mirror.  Hell I admit I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes, I know that I am human and I make mistakes.
I do my best.   I work all the time and do nothing.. So how am I making mistakes now? I guess it is because of the simple fact that I do what ever I can.

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling Better

I have been feeling  a little bit better. The crying has stopped so that is a plus.  I have yet to discover anything else right now. Though honestly I am so afraid of being alone. I honestly hate being alone sometimes and yes there is nothing I can do about that
really.   I am ok really I am well  I try and be any ways.  Though really and honestly I can not afford another heartbreak.   It seems that is all I am ever meant for is heartache.  I try my best to understand why things happen like this as well as why am I the one destined for heartache.  At times I wonder if  its just because right now I am so scattered and have been stressed. Maybe after the first of the year things will be alot better and there will be no more heart break.    Thankfully I am feeling better about things and that is the only way to be.  I am doing the best I can with everything!   I am managing to get things paid and hopefully caught up maybe.   That one is a tough question though.  Anyways I better close so I can get some rest. I am getting sick and sadly I am so tired.  Sweet Dreams Everyone!

When is it really over?

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When is a relationship really over? I mean you love someone and give this person your all and get nothing in return. I do not understand it really.  I mean I would bend over backwards to help and of course when I am the one who needs help I get nothing in return.   I never asked  for anything.  So sometimes I am wondering when is it really over?   I have cried so many moments and spent so many nights alone.  I hate being alone.. When I have a bad day at work I want to come home and have someone to hold me and tell me things are ok.   I want someone to hold me at  night when I have a nightmare.   I want someone to be goofy with me, cuddle me and watch movies and stupid shows with me.  I want someone who will come to work just to surprise me and and just tell me that they love me.   Sometimes it seems that it is something that I will never have though.  Sometimes I wonder when things will really be over? Or is it something that I want to end.  I love him yes and always have since he walked into my life 3 years ago but sometimes I need more out of this relationship as well.  I need  Love,  Attention and Cuddles just as much as the next person.    I ask my self every day will I ever get what I want out of life and a relationship but it seems that question is not what is ever answered.   I wish I knew how to answer that question or is it ever possible for me to be loved again?   Time will tell as with all things in life, love and happiness..

xoxo

LGBT

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Not something you hear everyday at work. See I work in a truck stop and I hear all kinds of things and talk to alot of different people on a daily basis.
Though when you go on break and you hear 2 adult females arguing back and forth over one topic it stays with you for a bit.  It is not something people
talk about usually and most people if you ask them if they know what It means they look at you funny. So with that being said.  LGBT  – Lesbian – Gay – Bi – Transgender!
Yes,  usually pay no mind to anything but yesterday I happened to walk in the Ladies Restroom while I was on my break and 2 ladies were  arguing back and forth between the stalls over this.  They were saying that The LGBT Community has no rights what so ever. I am standing there thinking to my self, that I am in this community since I am engaged to someone who is Transgender.
Yes, Chris is transgender! I am not ashamed to tell anyone. I love him and I am proud of him!

Though back to the topic. Yes, The LGBT Community has the same rights as everyone else.  We are all made equal and who we choose to love is no ones business but our own.
It does not make us different from anyone else. We still feel the same way, we love the same way and we hurt the same way.