Struggling

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Over the past couple of days I have really been struggling with many things.. I am depressed and no one really seems to care. I keep things hidden because no matter what I do its always the same thing

” You bring this on your self.”

” You are a bad person”

“You need to loose weight”

“You need to stop being such a baby”

“It’s all your fault Kris is the way she is”

“You made her this way”

So why bother telling anyone anything if all you do is get blamed for everything no matter what.  I have learned that you are not supposed to regret the choices you make in life. You should learn from them.  Yes, I never regret any of my choices and I have learned alot from things.

My struggles with all of that has been making me rethink the blog and its entirety! I mean granted the name and domain was given to me by a dear friend of mine so i just went with it and made it my own. I have been struggling with do I start something new that is my own or just continue this one..   I am torn i really am.. For years i have used Standing Still and now this. So its like what do i do..

The struggles at home are reflecting heavily on my blog choices.

 

 

 

 

A New Year

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Well today marks the second day to the New Year and I am not sure how I am liking it so far.  I mean the 1st of the year was OK, but today we got an unexpected call that no one really wants to here, the partners mother passed away this morning and it was a complete shock to us all. I mean complete shock.    I think once the funeral is done and over with things will kind of get better and semi easier., though who knows really.. Its a New Year and a new Start!

Other than that  2020 promises to be a good year. Well we can hope so anyway.  I am sure I will still have my challenges this year as I did last but that is about it..  No resolutions that are never really kept anyway.   I do not see the point.. Yes, I always say i am going to blog more but i have not see that happen yet! I say that i am going to do this and that and nothing has happened yet! So no resolutions. Just see how the year goes and hopefully it is a good one!

Well, It took me a bit to get back to this post and finish it. Alot has happened over the 6 days.  My Partners birth mom passed away unexpectedly and its been a mess here. Going through her things now and the funeral. I just want to scream. I can not seem to catch a break honestly. I am over ran!  Though I am hoping that once things settle down I will be able to sit and write more, though who knows..  Well I better get this posted.. Will be back soon with an update!

 

 

 

 

Old Photo

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Skipping around on the challenge and today I chose to do An Old Photo of Me!   This one is Back in March 2010! It was taken at Blachfeild Army Community Hospital in Fort Campbell, Kentucky.  I had to take Diana into the ENT that morning to see if she needed a second set of tubes in her ears!

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This one was Taken when back in 1997 I think. I can not remember. Lord knows I do not have the original still though if I did I would probably burn it! I look horrible and it was before kids

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This next one was Taken 9.3.2000 – While I was in the hospital right after Christianna was born!

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That is all I am sharing with this. Lets see some of yours

 

Songs I currently Love

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What are some songs that I currently love. Well that one is a bit difficult because I have alot of songs that are my favorite!  I am a music person, so I pretty much listen to anything and everything!  Music has always been a passion of mine. Though here are links to a few songs that I do like and can listen to them over and over again without getting tired of them!

Ed Sheeran – Thinking out Loud 
Justin Timberlake – Mirrors
Backstreet Boys – No Place
AJ McLean – Boy and a Man

Those are just a few of my favorite songs that I love, but I do have a lot more. The list can go on and on but I figure I will leave it with those.  If their is a song you think I should listen to that I might like. Please feel free to drop the link in the comments and i will listen to it and tell you what I think of it..

 

 

Halloween

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Halloween is upon us again and yet I am sitting here reminded of a failure if my life.  I am sure most of you who know me by now knew that I was engaged and was supposed to be married October 31, 2016, but that was a mistake and a failure. I guess in a way I blame myself for that. Though yes I have moved on with my life but it still hurts when you actually loved someone and lost everything to be with them. Just to turn around and loose them as well!  Though  now the only people in my family that actually talk to me is those who were not directly in contact with my ex husband but you know If they want to blame me for everything then let them. It is not hurting me at all. Thankfully my kids are in my life. Though I may not see them as much as I want to but I do talk to them and that is better than nothing at this point.  Two of them are adults and well Diana is 14, but I can see her and I can talk to her.  I am thankful for that.  I guess slowly in time I am trying to forget that but sometimes it is hard.   You get to the point to where you learn from your mistakes and i have learned from my mistakes but yet apart of me will still always love him though!

On another note my birthday this year is done and over and went pretty well and I am thankful for that. I could not have asked for a better year!  I guess i should get this posted. I will be back! I think in November I am going to try and join a photo a day!

 

 

Price Tags on Love

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You can’t put a price tag on love or can you? That is the one thing that is on my mind today!  Why, the reasoning is very simple..  My birthday is next month and I was thinking about what I wanted.. I do not ask for much on my birthday simple reasons I never get it..  The first thing  that came to mind is something I have wanted to do for a while now.. A simple tattoo on my shoulder blade that says Always & Forever.  That came to a quick no, because her family does not believe in tattoos.  They are the work of the devil and so forth.  I have 7 and would I go as far as regretting my tattoos no way in hell..   So thinking about it something else that came to mind is a New Barnes and Nobles Nook because the one I have died and I love reading.. I was told when I get the money and thinking to my self how the hell is that ever going to happen because I have no job because I stay here and clean the house and take care of every one else..  You would think that someone who supposedly loves you and appreciates everything that you do for them as much as she claims she does would spend a little bit on money on the person you care about.. I was sadly mistaken. So it seems a price tag has been put on love.. Hell I have told her for months that I need a pedicure because my heals are getting so bad that it hurts to walk, that has not happened yet and possibly wont happen anytime soon. SO guess what I deal with it..  I was told that I ask for everything.. Ok just because I said something in cute does not mean I want it.. Yes, It would be nice to actually have new clothes that I have not had for years  but no that wont happen.. I deal with what I have. Do I want to get out and get a job yes just so i can get away from here. But what then I still wont have money because I have to help with the household expenses while She does nothing because her back is hurt.  I hurt to but then again i am told its NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ME!  Story of my life.. Nothing is never about me!  Can i be put first before anyone else even a dog? No I am last when it comes to everyone!

That is why the post title today.. I feel that love came with a price tag and honestly. The thing is what can you do to change it or fix it when it comes to this point!    Enough ramblings for the moment.. I will be back later!

 

xoxo

 

 

Thinking Out Loud

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Thinking Out Loud – I wish I could actually say how I feel to people and they actually understand it! Thinking back on the past and how things went and how you felt.. It is something that you can never forget  no matter what lies ahead for either of you.  Do I think things could have been different? Yes, but things happen in our lives for a reason and honestly sometimes you have to go with the flow of things..  Though sometimes you want to go back and change the past and you realize that you can’t.

How I feel about all of that takes a toll on you every single day. Especially when you loved someone and yes they loved you back. But they were not willing to give up one thing!  It is something that tends to play the what if game with your mind and heart! It seems to make you wonder would things have changed and you would have been able to be with the one person or would it still be a constant battle.  Though sometimes you can not live that battle of what if, especially when you know that it was never meant to be.  I wish somestimes you would just understand this and know how I feel. I can tell you so many times but you will never quiet get it.  I can’t help you lead your double life!