Halloween

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Halloween is upon us again and yet I am sitting here reminded of a failure if my life.  I am sure most of you who know me by now knew that I was engaged and was supposed to be married October 31, 2016, but that was a mistake and a failure. I guess in a way I blame myself for that. Though yes I have moved on with my life but it still hurts when you actually loved someone and lost everything to be with them. Just to turn around and loose them as well!  Though  now the only people in my family that actually talk to me is those who were not directly in contact with my ex husband but you know If they want to blame me for everything then let them. It is not hurting me at all. Thankfully my kids are in my life. Though I may not see them as much as I want to but I do talk to them and that is better than nothing at this point.  Two of them are adults and well Diana is 14, but I can see her and I can talk to her.  I am thankful for that.  I guess slowly in time I am trying to forget that but sometimes it is hard.   You get to the point to where you learn from your mistakes and i have learned from my mistakes but yet apart of me will still always love him though!

On another note my birthday this year is done and over and went pretty well and I am thankful for that. I could not have asked for a better year!  I guess i should get this posted. I will be back! I think in November I am going to try and join a photo a day!

 

 

Price Tags on Love

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You can’t put a price tag on love or can you? That is the one thing that is on my mind today!  Why, the reasoning is very simple..  My birthday is next month and I was thinking about what I wanted.. I do not ask for much on my birthday simple reasons I never get it..  The first thing  that came to mind is something I have wanted to do for a while now.. A simple tattoo on my shoulder blade that says Always & Forever.  That came to a quick no, because her family does not believe in tattoos.  They are the work of the devil and so forth.  I have 7 and would I go as far as regretting my tattoos no way in hell..   So thinking about it something else that came to mind is a New Barnes and Nobles Nook because the one I have died and I love reading.. I was told when I get the money and thinking to my self how the hell is that ever going to happen because I have no job because I stay here and clean the house and take care of every one else..  You would think that someone who supposedly loves you and appreciates everything that you do for them as much as she claims she does would spend a little bit on money on the person you care about.. I was sadly mistaken. So it seems a price tag has been put on love.. Hell I have told her for months that I need a pedicure because my heals are getting so bad that it hurts to walk, that has not happened yet and possibly wont happen anytime soon. SO guess what I deal with it..  I was told that I ask for everything.. Ok just because I said something in cute does not mean I want it.. Yes, It would be nice to actually have new clothes that I have not had for years  but no that wont happen.. I deal with what I have. Do I want to get out and get a job yes just so i can get away from here. But what then I still wont have money because I have to help with the household expenses while She does nothing because her back is hurt.  I hurt to but then again i am told its NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ME!  Story of my life.. Nothing is never about me!  Can i be put first before anyone else even a dog? No I am last when it comes to everyone!

That is why the post title today.. I feel that love came with a price tag and honestly. The thing is what can you do to change it or fix it when it comes to this point!    Enough ramblings for the moment.. I will be back later!

 

xoxo

 

 

Hello September

September

Hello September. The leaves start changing as the fall air sets in. You are a welcomed change.  Hopefully you will not disappoint to much!   August you will not be missed nor will the roller coaster of emotions. Though I am sure I will have my fair share of them in September as well!  It seems that it is going to be another month like August but one can only hope not. I know i have to keep my thoughts positive and my head held high and see how things work. So I guess I will have to try that.   I guess things are just not ever working out for me and what I want..  I mean really is this the way September is supposed to be?

Though this month I do plan on blogging more than I have been  and getting back to my roots. Not letting anyone stop me from what I want to do or blogging about what feels right! I have gotten away from what I like doing only because I have let other people tell me what to do.. No More!  With that I will go and I hope to see more of you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thinking Out Loud

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Thinking Out Loud – I wish I could actually say how I feel to people and they actually understand it! Thinking back on the past and how things went and how you felt.. It is something that you can never forget  no matter what lies ahead for either of you.  Do I think things could have been different? Yes, but things happen in our lives for a reason and honestly sometimes you have to go with the flow of things..  Though sometimes you want to go back and change the past and you realize that you can’t.

How I feel about all of that takes a toll on you every single day. Especially when you loved someone and yes they loved you back. But they were not willing to give up one thing!  It is something that tends to play the what if game with your mind and heart! It seems to make you wonder would things have changed and you would have been able to be with the one person or would it still be a constant battle.  Though sometimes you can not live that battle of what if, especially when you know that it was never meant to be.  I wish somestimes you would just understand this and know how I feel. I can tell you so many times but you will never quiet get it.  I can’t help you lead your double life!

 

 

 

2018

I am not even sure where to begin with 2018. It seems to start and end the same way. Hoping that the new year is alot better but who can really say that for sure. You think when you start off a year it will always be better than the last one but honestly it seems to turn out just like the last one. The only thing 2018 taught me is never look back on the past. Always look forward to tomorrow. Never take things or any one for granted.. You never know what the future will hold for you or them! They may cross your path again. Usually that means they are in your life for one reason or another! You never know!

Though 2019 I am determined to make it better for me. I plan on making the most of the new year! What are my 2019 Goals ? I have a few of them actually

  1. Blog More – Do a few posts a week
  2. Find a good job. All things considered if appointments for everyone allows
  3. Talk to my kids more. I may not be able to see them as much as i want to but that does not mean i can not talk to them Facetime, skype, what ever it may be.
  4. Read more – put my kindle and my nook to use. READ
  5. clean out my hard drives finally – delete alot of the old things! Pictures i will of course save because though they may hold pieces of past memories you never know when you want to look back at what life has taught you!
  6. Get a better phone!
  7. Realize who my friends and family are and remove those out of my life that always try to put me down no matter what i do.
  8. be better organized – use Cozi more for appointments and reminders of things – clean my file cabinets as well as my paper files as well as the shelf i have.. See what i want to keep and remove all the other stuff.. RECYCLE
  9. Loose some weight- I am not big by any means but i want to loose some weight
  10. DO MORE FOR ME AND ENJOY 2019 – Making the most of it!

Depression in Others

 

Some of you may be wondering why the title. Depression in others and how it affects you.  You are probably thinking that if someone else is depressed it does not affect you, I am here to tell you that you are wrong. Depending on the person and their impact in your life it greatly affects you.   If you are in a relationship with someone who is suffering from depression it will affect you in so many ways..   Their actions and words hurt and  will stay with you no matter how many times you try and shake them off..  It also does not help if you are suffering from Depression as well, but their is many faces of depression!  With me I just want to cry!    I do not say things that are hurtful to others or will make them think they are not wanted!    No matter what type of depression you suffer from always make sure you think before you speak!  Words and actions really do hurt those you love!

 

 

 

Behind the Mask

 

We all tend to wear masks at times but some more than others. We try and put on a happy face for others and those you love when all honesty all you want to do is crumble. It is hard to pretend you are strong when you are falling apart at the seams and no one seems to notice really! Lately it seems to be a constant mask that I put on just for people to think that I am happy. I wonder was it really the right thing to do start over with my life when i am falling apart and no one seems to care. I thought I found the one who made me happy but lately it seems that I was wrong. It seems that the last 3 months have been a non stop argument. I hate this.. I am mentally and physically exhausted and I can not keep doing this.. I am falling apart at the seems and no one can put this back together.. My heart is shattered and broken barely holding on to what little bit of faith that things will work out at some point but lately i am beginning to think that is pointless why have faith if I am not even sure faith is what i need right now. I need a miracle to fix this!

At home or at work my mask is on! I have to pretend to be happy and that is hard at times! I should not always have to pretend to do anything. I should not have to pretend to be happy. Happiness should come automatically but that is not happening lately. I find peace when i am writing and that is hard to do when every time I try and write or i am typing anything all I ever hear is who are you talking to. Why is it that people assume when you are typing you are talking to someone. I am a typer, I am a thinking, I am very compassionate about what I do. So when I think of things I am typing them out. It is simply who i am..  You can not expect people to change their ways to fit into your life, but yet i am expected to stop everything and change everything to make someone happy!   When you try your best to please someone and get no where you begin to wonder if it is worth trying any more!  I am physically exhausted from trying! I am to tired to fight any more!

A mask does not help you change or hide the person that you are. It simply is only their to pretend that you are happy when you really are dying inside. I think a few times I have taken the mask aside and truly smiled but that is when I am talking to those who know the person that I am and except me for that. No hiding or pretending to be someone or something I am not in-front of them. So no need for that mask! It is a battle of mixed emotions at times and though I know my well being is at stake but honestly if I let my guard down and take the mask off it gets hard to hid those emotions. So Its keep my heart guarded and the mask on and only let those true to you know what really lies beneath it. Though what is underneath the mask, is puffy eyes, a broken heart and tear stained cheeks. All in all An Emotional, Fragile person who is tired of being hurt, mistreated and abused. Weather it be emotional or physical…