Behind the Mask

 

We all tend to wear masks at times but some more than others. We try and put on a happy face for others and those you love when all honesty all you want to do is crumble. It is hard to pretend you are strong when you are falling apart at the seams and no one seems to notice really! Lately it seems to be a constant mask that I put on just for people to think that I am happy. I wonder was it really the right thing to do start over with my life when i am falling apart and no one seems to care. I thought I found the one who made me happy but lately it seems that I was wrong. It seems that the last 3 months have been a non stop argument. I hate this.. I am mentally and physically exhausted and I can not keep doing this.. I am falling apart at the seems and no one can put this back together.. My heart is shattered and broken barely holding on to what little bit of faith that things will work out at some point but lately i am beginning to think that is pointless why have faith if I am not even sure faith is what i need right now. I need a miracle to fix this!

At home or at work my mask is on! I have to pretend to be happy and that is hard at times! I should not always have to pretend to do anything. I should not have to pretend to be happy. Happiness should come automatically but that is not happening lately. I find peace when i am writing and that is hard to do when every time I try and write or i am typing anything all I ever hear is who are you talking to. Why is it that people assume when you are typing you are talking to someone. I am a typer, I am a thinking, I am very compassionate about what I do. So when I think of things I am typing them out. It is simply who i am..  You can not expect people to change their ways to fit into your life, but yet i am expected to stop everything and change everything to make someone happy!   When you try your best to please someone and get no where you begin to wonder if it is worth trying any more!  I am physically exhausted from trying! I am to tired to fight any more!

A mask does not help you change or hide the person that you are. It simply is only their to pretend that you are happy when you really are dying inside. I think a few times I have taken the mask aside and truly smiled but that is when I am talking to those who know the person that I am and except me for that. No hiding or pretending to be someone or something I am not in-front of them. So no need for that mask! It is a battle of mixed emotions at times and though I know my well being is at stake but honestly if I let my guard down and take the mask off it gets hard to hid those emotions. So Its keep my heart guarded and the mask on and only let those true to you know what really lies beneath it. Though what is underneath the mask, is puffy eyes, a broken heart and tear stained cheeks. All in all An Emotional, Fragile person who is tired of being hurt, mistreated and abused. Weather it be emotional or physical…

Reflections

Don’t Look Back – You’re Not Going – That Way!
Though it never hurts to sit back and  reflect on things that made you who you are today!

Reflections of the past are not a bad thing necessarily but they can remind us we have a full life and future ahead of us.   This morning talking to my dearest and sweetest friend Lynda
(aka My Sweet Pea!) We were talking about the past and how I have became a stronger better person because of it..  No matter what I went through or had to endure I always pulled
my self up and started all over again!  I am guessing I should go into a bit more detail than that huh..  Ok So I guess I will.. Here it goes

Since March of 2016 When I left West Virginia to move to Indiana I knew that things would not be easy or simple.. I fell for the most amazing person at the time and though
I was on top of the world only to fall flat on my face a few times.  I get their and I meet Chris for the first time face to face and was ecstatic with love and joy!  The first few nights
we stayed in a hotel and then after wards we went camping.  That is when it went down hill after a few short days.. He had lost him home and had no place for us to go.. So I ended
up sleeping in my Van as did he when he got off work!   That lasted March and April – I had gotten a job at Amazon through a temp agency  and worked to save up the money to
get a place to live.. It took me a bit but by May I was able to get us a place to live in a trailer park.  I changed jobs and started working at the Flying J instead. I loved my new job and
I was happy I was able to have a life outside of working and sleeping. I was able to work normal hours and got to see Chris abit more.

Though a few weeks into that things went down hill fast.. He stopped coming home but would always text me and call me.. Said he was working due to Peek and every one knows that
around certain times of the year amazon is crazy with back logs on orders and so forth so I without a doubt believed him.. He would come home at times and spend time with me even if it
was a few short hours a day.. I did not mind or care as long as I was able to get some time that is all that I really wanted!   It was summer time and yes in June is when Peek for Amazon starts
picking up!  It was ok though I got used to it.. Then by the end of August when my divorce from Rick was final it was suddenly Chris had to file bankruptcy and all this other stuff to stay
out of jail due to medical bills because of his heart condition. I did not know any better so any of the extra money I got went to help with that.  I thought at first it was the stupidest thing I have ever heard of but not impossible with the Laws in certain states.

After he got the money to get that paid off – Things seemed to have its ups and downs. It all took an emotional toll on me. I moved from the trailer and into a small 1 bedroom apartment.  It was cheaper on me in the long run.  Chris came home less and less. No matter how many times he promised it seemed to be broken promises.   My birthday we were supposed to spend time together for  the day and i was only able to get 3 hours due to the fact of he had to work!  I was hurt, disappointed and cried all night!  It seemed to be a normal thing.. Though he called later that night and I felt a little better!   Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all came around and I spent the time working.  It was the end of January He made the decision with out me to send me back to West Virginia and he would get a transfer up that way so we would have a life together..  That was the end of December 2016!  I  did end up back in WVa. Got my job transferred to the Flying J in Winchester and I stayed with Rick and the Kids till February of 2017 then I moved in With Crystal.. That was a nightmare and a half but I survived..   Chris never got the transfer to Virginia but to Arizona instead so I was told any way!  I was never allowed to know more than that.. Never given an address anything!   He called and Texted me daily still..   Through the Months at Crystals I had Diana and I loved being able to be near the kids.  It was May and the roof in the bed room Diana and I slept in collapsed and we had no place to say.. Rick let me stay their a bit but that did not last long at all..  I had to take the girls back and forth to school though i did not mind if I was off in time.

It was June and I was in a hotel for a while paid for by one of my friends – Sending me 186.00 a week to pay for the room and all I had to do was get food and so forth. I was ok with that..  It was July and my friend suggest me move to PA and I would have a place to stay rent free and all.. I just needed to get a job and so forth and help with the house hold bills which I did that and I was ok with it..  Moved to PA started working at Staples and that lasted for a while.. Chris ended the relationship and I was broken.. Told me he had found someone else and all this other stuff.. When that happens alot goes through your mind and you wonder if you are ever good enough for anyone..  I found my self getting on Second Life more and more and that is where I met Kris..  I was not looking for anyone but their she was!  She took me by surprise..

Talking we realized we only lived 45 minutes from one another so we took a chance and met and have been together every since August 2017. Some may say we got married way to fast but after a failing marriage and a broken heart after so long together you know what is right for you.. I will tell you that after Chris ended things I was constantly depressed, crying. Wondering what I did wrong. Wondering why this is happening to me.. Wondering if I was meant to be alone forever!   Kris came into my life at just the right moment and picked things up and turned them around!  It was October and I moved in with her and her family, I got the job I have now at Walmart!

I often look back on things and how things changed me but I never dwell on the past! It is never a good thing to do.  Some times I do wish things were a bit different in the past and Chris let go of me sooner than he did but you know I can not change that only except the fact that he did when he thought it was the right time to and for that I am grateful. I am grateful for what he taught me and what he showed me as well as the love he gave me!  Though the past has made me the person I am today! It has taught me it is ok to be weak as long as I dont make my self vulnerable.  It has made a Strong and Independent person!  One who has learned from her mistakes and flaws and looks back on how to make things right!

What is your reflection of the past and what has it taught you?

Hello June

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Hello June, You have never looked so good!  May was a rough but amazing ride!  So much happened and so much to tell.  Sad part is I know that depression is right around the corner if I let it get to me so  I am trying not to let that happen. Though I should be pretty happy!

You all know what an ass Ex Husbands can be especially mine if you know him or have heard me talk about him at times.. Well lets put it this way he thinks he can get to me but hell that is not happening.. He took the van back after I have had it since 2016!  Wow really and he had the nerve to say the House is an upgrade compaired to what I was living in when I first moved to Pennsylvania. I am thinking to my self what was he expecting when I first got here a 4 bedroom house with a 3 car garage. Yeah that is really damn near impossible on a cashiers salary!  Oh and did I mention he showed up with his New Wife!  Yes he decided to get remarried the end of April. Knowing I was planning to the middle of May..  Oh well..

So as some of you have heard I got remarried May 12, 2018! I swore it would never happen but honestly what can I say I found someone who changed my mind completely! I have been told that I should never re-marry again after my first divorce but you know we all have to start over at somepoint in time!   I must say that over the few years I have learned alot. Mainly about Independance as well as taking care of my self before I can others. Though that one I am still working on.  You also realize that you may may go through a few bad relationships to get that one perfect one who will change your whole outlook and everything on life!

Sometimes alot has to happen in a persons life to make them see things and it truly has!

 

 

 

Never Good Enough ?

Ever have the moments where you feel like you are Never Good Enough?   Lately it seems that I am never good enough for anyone not even my family.   From being told you are a Disgrace and Disappointment that just makes you feel great.   Then the next day being told the next day it never was said.  So I am like really What the Hell do I do. I can not please everyone and cant seem to make everyone happy.  I do my best and try to make everyone happy and of course I am human and I make mistakes.  No one in life is perfect and if you think you are perfect then you need to look in the mirror.  Hell I admit I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes, I know that I am human and I make mistakes.
I do my best.   I work all the time and do nothing.. So how am I making mistakes now? I guess it is because of the simple fact that I do what ever I can.

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling Better

I have been feeling  a little bit better. The crying has stopped so that is a plus.  I have yet to discover anything else right now. Though honestly I am so afraid of being alone. I honestly hate being alone sometimes and yes there is nothing I can do about that
really.   I am ok really I am well  I try and be any ways.  Though really and honestly I can not afford another heartbreak.   It seems that is all I am ever meant for is heartache.  I try my best to understand why things happen like this as well as why am I the one destined for heartache.  At times I wonder if  its just because right now I am so scattered and have been stressed. Maybe after the first of the year things will be alot better and there will be no more heart break.    Thankfully I am feeling better about things and that is the only way to be.  I am doing the best I can with everything!   I am managing to get things paid and hopefully caught up maybe.   That one is a tough question though.  Anyways I better close so I can get some rest. I am getting sick and sadly I am so tired.  Sweet Dreams Everyone!

Loneliness

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Loneliness – I feel so alone sometimes.   I made choices in my life and lately it seems like nothing matters.   Sometimes I feel like I do not matter  to anyone.  It seems that I am only used and I should not feel that way.  I want cuddles, love and attention just like everyone else.  I should not feel this way.  I do not really understand things  that are going on anymore. I am trying and really do not understand most of it all.. I am so lost and confused.   I don’t know sometimes.    I just do not know sometimes any more. I want to cry and so tired of crying my poor eyes hurt so bad from crying.    I should possibly move on and yet I am..  I  care deeply and I love him but I am so tired of being alone and lonely.   I sometimes feel that he is ashamed of me, that he feels the need to hide me. The only time I have met anyone in his Family. I was introduced as his friend. I never met but 2 people in his family. Well 3 and I was introduced as his friend.. I have never met his mom, or any one else in his family. I am not allowed to have pictures any where of us.  None on Facebook,  None on Instagram, No where on the web at all. It kind of makes me curious of what he thinks of me. It is hard for me to ask him because every time I do, he gets annoyed with me.   I feel like I failed at time because it is like he never wants to be seen with me because he is never around me really.. I am always alone and when I do see him it is 10 Minutes to an Hour here and their and honestly I need more..  I need snuggles and cuddles at times. I am human and that is something we all want and need.   I guess that is enough for now before the tears start to fall again.  

xoxo
Samantha Renee

LGBT

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Not something you hear everyday at work. See I work in a truck stop and I hear all kinds of things and talk to alot of different people on a daily basis.
Though when you go on break and you hear 2 adult females arguing back and forth over one topic it stays with you for a bit.  It is not something people
talk about usually and most people if you ask them if they know what It means they look at you funny. So with that being said.  LGBT  – Lesbian – Gay – Bi – Transgender!
Yes,  usually pay no mind to anything but yesterday I happened to walk in the Ladies Restroom while I was on my break and 2 ladies were  arguing back and forth between the stalls over this.  They were saying that The LGBT Community has no rights what so ever. I am standing there thinking to my self, that I am in this community since I am engaged to someone who is Transgender.
Yes, Chris is transgender! I am not ashamed to tell anyone. I love him and I am proud of him!

Though back to the topic. Yes, The LGBT Community has the same rights as everyone else.  We are all made equal and who we choose to love is no ones business but our own.
It does not make us different from anyone else. We still feel the same way, we love the same way and we hurt the same way.