Ever get those feelings like you are never enough for anyone no matter what you do! How do you make them stop is the biggest question? Tears that fall so easily because its a all you have known and history seems to repeat its self no matter what I do or say! You give your all to someone and it seems that no matter what it fails miserably! Making you question everything you do or say! Making you truly think that you are the one who causes everything! As I sit here trying to get things out the way I want to, tears are trying to form but I try to hide them because I am told I am to emotional. That I need to stop crying because No one wants to hear it! You are supposed to be here to support me not me supporting you and getting nothing in return! I lay awake at night and wonder why is it so wrong to want to be held! To what the attention and the love that I deserve! I guess I will just forever be NEVER ENOUGH FOR ANYONE!
I am not even sure where to begin with 2018. It seems to start and end the same way. Hoping that the new year is alot better but who can really say that for sure. You think when you start off a year it will always be better than the last one but honestly it seems to turn out just like the last one. The only thing 2018 taught me is never look back on the past. Always look forward to tomorrow. Never take things or any one for granted.. You never know what the future will hold for you or them! They may cross your path again. Usually that means they are in your life for one reason or another! You never know!
Though 2019 I am determined to make it better for me. I plan on making the most of the new year! What are my 2019 Goals ? I have a few of them actually
- Blog More – Do a few posts a week
- Find a good job. All things considered if appointments for everyone allows
- Talk to my kids more. I may not be able to see them as much as i want to but that does not mean i can not talk to them Facetime, skype, what ever it may be.
- Read more – put my kindle and my nook to use. READ
- clean out my hard drives finally – delete alot of the old things! Pictures i will of course save because though they may hold pieces of past memories you never know when you want to look back at what life has taught you!
- Get a better phone!
- Realize who my friends and family are and remove those out of my life that always try to put me down no matter what i do.
- be better organized – use Cozi more for appointments and reminders of things – clean my file cabinets as well as my paper files as well as the shelf i have.. See what i want to keep and remove all the other stuff.. RECYCLE
- Loose some weight- I am not big by any means but i want to loose some weight
- DO MORE FOR ME AND ENJOY 2019 – Making the most of it!
Sometimes you ask yourself are you really strong enough to get through everything that lies ahead but you realize you’ve done it before just in a different place yes I know I’m strong because I’ve stood on my feet before I pick my stuff up when I’ve been broken so why is now any different because one I thought I found somebody who actually loves me for me and will actually care for me the way I need to be cared for and loved I guess I was wrong caring for somebody and loving somebody isn’t putting your needs before there’s it’s putting them before you I’ve never been put first in any relationship that I’ve been in even when I was married the military was first and I was lost but that’s what you get when you’re military wife so I understood that my needs my lack of sleep and everything else is always lost nobody cares the way I feel I’m in emotional mess but I don’t let everybody see it I put on that fake smile every day like I put on my make up just to nobody knows the pain that’s hiding in the eyes very few can see it very few know it’s there But if you look deep in my eyes you will see the pain and the hurt and the frustration that I feel and have every day!
I wonder am I strong Enough to get through this!
Some of you may be wondering why the title. Depression in others and how it affects you. You are probably thinking that if someone else is depressed it does not affect you, I am here to tell you that you are wrong. Depending on the person and their impact in your life it greatly affects you. If you are in a relationship with someone who is suffering from depression it will affect you in so many ways.. Their actions and words hurt and will stay with you no matter how many times you try and shake them off.. It also does not help if you are suffering from Depression as well, but their is many faces of depression! With me I just want to cry! I do not say things that are hurtful to others or will make them think they are not wanted! No matter what type of depression you suffer from always make sure you think before you speak! Words and actions really do hurt those you love!
We all tend to wear masks at times but some more than others. We try and put on a happy face for others and those you love when all honesty all you want to do is crumble. It is hard to pretend you are strong when you are falling apart at the seams and no one seems to notice really! Lately it seems to be a constant mask that I put on just for people to think that I am happy. I wonder was it really the right thing to do start over with my life when i am falling apart and no one seems to care. I thought I found the one who made me happy but lately it seems that I was wrong. It seems that the last 3 months have been a non stop argument. I hate this.. I am mentally and physically exhausted and I can not keep doing this.. I am falling apart at the seems and no one can put this back together.. My heart is shattered and broken barely holding on to what little bit of faith that things will work out at some point but lately i am beginning to think that is pointless why have faith if I am not even sure faith is what i need right now. I need a miracle to fix this!
At home or at work my mask is on! I have to pretend to be happy and that is hard at times! I should not always have to pretend to do anything. I should not have to pretend to be happy. Happiness should come automatically but that is not happening lately. I find peace when i am writing and that is hard to do when every time I try and write or i am typing anything all I ever hear is who are you talking to. Why is it that people assume when you are typing you are talking to someone. I am a typer, I am a thinking, I am very compassionate about what I do. So when I think of things I am typing them out. It is simply who i am.. You can not expect people to change their ways to fit into your life, but yet i am expected to stop everything and change everything to make someone happy! When you try your best to please someone and get no where you begin to wonder if it is worth trying any more! I am physically exhausted from trying! I am to tired to fight any more!
A mask does not help you change or hide the person that you are. It simply is only their to pretend that you are happy when you really are dying inside. I think a few times I have taken the mask aside and truly smiled but that is when I am talking to those who know the person that I am and except me for that. No hiding or pretending to be someone or something I am not in-front of them. So no need for that mask! It is a battle of mixed emotions at times and though I know my well being is at stake but honestly if I let my guard down and take the mask off it gets hard to hid those emotions. So Its keep my heart guarded and the mask on and only let those true to you know what really lies beneath it. Though what is underneath the mask, is puffy eyes, a broken heart and tear stained cheeks. All in all An Emotional, Fragile person who is tired of being hurt, mistreated and abused. Weather it be emotional or physical…
Don’t Look Back – You’re Not Going – That Way!
Though it never hurts to sit back and reflect on things that made you who you are today!
Reflections of the past are not a bad thing necessarily but they can remind us we have a full life and future ahead of us. This morning talking to my dearest and sweetest friend Lynda
(aka My Sweet Pea!) We were talking about the past and how I have became a stronger better person because of it.. No matter what I went through or had to endure I always pulled
my self up and started all over again! I am guessing I should go into a bit more detail than that huh.. Ok So I guess I will.. Here it goes
Since March of 2016 When I left West Virginia to move to Indiana I knew that things would not be easy or simple.. I fell for the most amazing person at the time and though
I was on top of the world only to fall flat on my face a few times. I get their and I meet Chris for the first time face to face and was ecstatic with love and joy! The first few nights
we stayed in a hotel and then after wards we went camping. That is when it went down hill after a few short days.. He had lost him home and had no place for us to go.. So I ended
up sleeping in my Van as did he when he got off work! That lasted March and April – I had gotten a job at Amazon through a temp agency and worked to save up the money to
get a place to live.. It took me a bit but by May I was able to get us a place to live in a trailer park. I changed jobs and started working at the Flying J instead. I loved my new job and
I was happy I was able to have a life outside of working and sleeping. I was able to work normal hours and got to see Chris abit more.
Though a few weeks into that things went down hill fast.. He stopped coming home but would always text me and call me.. Said he was working due to Peek and every one knows that
around certain times of the year amazon is crazy with back logs on orders and so forth so I without a doubt believed him.. He would come home at times and spend time with me even if it
was a few short hours a day.. I did not mind or care as long as I was able to get some time that is all that I really wanted! It was summer time and yes in June is when Peek for Amazon starts
picking up! It was ok though I got used to it.. Then by the end of August when my divorce from Rick was final it was suddenly Chris had to file bankruptcy and all this other stuff to stay
out of jail due to medical bills because of his heart condition. I did not know any better so any of the extra money I got went to help with that. I thought at first it was the stupidest thing I have ever heard of but not impossible with the Laws in certain states.
After he got the money to get that paid off – Things seemed to have its ups and downs. It all took an emotional toll on me. I moved from the trailer and into a small 1 bedroom apartment. It was cheaper on me in the long run. Chris came home less and less. No matter how many times he promised it seemed to be broken promises. My birthday we were supposed to spend time together for the day and i was only able to get 3 hours due to the fact of he had to work! I was hurt, disappointed and cried all night! It seemed to be a normal thing.. Though he called later that night and I felt a little better! Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all came around and I spent the time working. It was the end of January He made the decision with out me to send me back to West Virginia and he would get a transfer up that way so we would have a life together.. That was the end of December 2016! I did end up back in WVa. Got my job transferred to the Flying J in Winchester and I stayed with Rick and the Kids till February of 2017 then I moved in With Crystal.. That was a nightmare and a half but I survived.. Chris never got the transfer to Virginia but to Arizona instead so I was told any way! I was never allowed to know more than that.. Never given an address anything! He called and Texted me daily still.. Through the Months at Crystals I had Diana and I loved being able to be near the kids. It was May and the roof in the bed room Diana and I slept in collapsed and we had no place to say.. Rick let me stay their a bit but that did not last long at all.. I had to take the girls back and forth to school though i did not mind if I was off in time.
It was June and I was in a hotel for a while paid for by one of my friends – Sending me 186.00 a week to pay for the room and all I had to do was get food and so forth. I was ok with that.. It was July and my friend suggest me move to PA and I would have a place to stay rent free and all.. I just needed to get a job and so forth and help with the house hold bills which I did that and I was ok with it.. Moved to PA started working at Staples and that lasted for a while.. Chris ended the relationship and I was broken.. Told me he had found someone else and all this other stuff.. When that happens alot goes through your mind and you wonder if you are ever good enough for anyone.. I found my self getting on Second Life more and more and that is where I met Kris.. I was not looking for anyone but their she was! She took me by surprise..
Talking we realized we only lived 45 minutes from one another so we took a chance and met and have been together every since August 2017. Some may say we got married way to fast but after a failing marriage and a broken heart after so long together you know what is right for you.. I will tell you that after Chris ended things I was constantly depressed, crying. Wondering what I did wrong. Wondering why this is happening to me.. Wondering if I was meant to be alone forever! Kris came into my life at just the right moment and picked things up and turned them around! It was October and I moved in with her and her family, I got the job I have now at Walmart!
I often look back on things and how things changed me but I never dwell on the past! It is never a good thing to do. Some times I do wish things were a bit different in the past and Chris let go of me sooner than he did but you know I can not change that only except the fact that he did when he thought it was the right time to and for that I am grateful. I am grateful for what he taught me and what he showed me as well as the love he gave me! Though the past has made me the person I am today! It has taught me it is ok to be weak as long as I dont make my self vulnerable. It has made a Strong and Independent person! One who has learned from her mistakes and flaws and looks back on how to make things right!
What is your reflection of the past and what has it taught you?
Hello June, You have never looked so good! May was a rough but amazing ride! So much happened and so much to tell. Sad part is I know that depression is right around the corner if I let it get to me so I am trying not to let that happen. Though I should be pretty happy!
You all know what an ass Ex Husbands can be especially mine if you know him or have heard me talk about him at times.. Well lets put it this way he thinks he can get to me but hell that is not happening.. He took the van back after I have had it since 2016! Wow really and he had the nerve to say the House is an upgrade compaired to what I was living in when I first moved to Pennsylvania. I am thinking to my self what was he expecting when I first got here a 4 bedroom house with a 3 car garage. Yeah that is really damn near impossible on a cashiers salary! Oh and did I mention he showed up with his New Wife! Yes he decided to get remarried the end of April. Knowing I was planning to the middle of May.. Oh well..
So as some of you have heard I got remarried May 12, 2018! I swore it would never happen but honestly what can I say I found someone who changed my mind completely! I have been told that I should never re-marry again after my first divorce but you know we all have to start over at somepoint in time! I must say that over the few years I have learned alot. Mainly about Independance as well as taking care of my self before I can others. Though that one I am still working on. You also realize that you may may go through a few bad relationships to get that one perfect one who will change your whole outlook and everything on life!
Sometimes alot has to happen in a persons life to make them see things and it truly has!