Over the past couple of days I have really been struggling with many things.. I am depressed and no one really seems to care. I keep things hidden because no matter what I do its always the same thing
” You bring this on your self.”
” You are a bad person”
“You need to loose weight”
“You need to stop being such a baby”
“It’s all your fault Kris is the way she is”
“You made her this way”
So why bother telling anyone anything if all you do is get blamed for everything no matter what. I have learned that you are not supposed to regret the choices you make in life. You should learn from them. Yes, I never regret any of my choices and I have learned alot from things.
My struggles with all of that has been making me rethink the blog and its entirety! I mean granted the name and domain was given to me by a dear friend of mine so i just went with it and made it my own. I have been struggling with do I start something new that is my own or just continue this one.. I am torn i really am.. For years i have used Standing Still and now this. So its like what do i do..
The struggles at home are reflecting heavily on my blog choices.
Well today marks the second day to the New Year and I am not sure how I am liking it so far. I mean the 1st of the year was OK, but today we got an unexpected call that no one really wants to here, the partners mother passed away this morning and it was a complete shock to us all. I mean complete shock. I think once the funeral is done and over with things will kind of get better and semi easier., though who knows really.. Its a New Year and a new Start!
Other than that 2020 promises to be a good year. Well we can hope so anyway. I am sure I will still have my challenges this year as I did last but that is about it.. No resolutions that are never really kept anyway. I do not see the point.. Yes, I always say i am going to blog more but i have not see that happen yet! I say that i am going to do this and that and nothing has happened yet! So no resolutions. Just see how the year goes and hopefully it is a good one!
Well, It took me a bit to get back to this post and finish it. Alot has happened over the 6 days. My Partners birth mom passed away unexpectedly and its been a mess here. Going through her things now and the funeral. I just want to scream. I can not seem to catch a break honestly. I am over ran! Though I am hoping that once things settle down I will be able to sit and write more, though who knows.. Well I better get this posted.. Will be back soon with an update!
You can’t put a price tag on love or can you? That is the one thing that is on my mind today! Why, the reasoning is very simple.. My birthday is next month and I was thinking about what I wanted.. I do not ask for much on my birthday simple reasons I never get it.. The first thing that came to mind is something I have wanted to do for a while now.. A simple tattoo on my shoulder blade that says Always & Forever. That came to a quick no, because her family does not believe in tattoos. They are the work of the devil and so forth. I have 7 and would I go as far as regretting my tattoos no way in hell.. So thinking about it something else that came to mind is a New Barnes and Nobles Nook because the one I have died and I love reading.. I was told when I get the money and thinking to my self how the hell is that ever going to happen because I have no job because I stay here and clean the house and take care of every one else.. You would think that someone who supposedly loves you and appreciates everything that you do for them as much as she claims she does would spend a little bit on money on the person you care about.. I was sadly mistaken. So it seems a price tag has been put on love.. Hell I have told her for months that I need a pedicure because my heals are getting so bad that it hurts to walk, that has not happened yet and possibly wont happen anytime soon. SO guess what I deal with it.. I was told that I ask for everything.. Ok just because I said something in cute does not mean I want it.. Yes, It would be nice to actually have new clothes that I have not had for years but no that wont happen.. I deal with what I have. Do I want to get out and get a job yes just so i can get away from here. But what then I still wont have money because I have to help with the household expenses while She does nothing because her back is hurt. I hurt to but then again i am told its NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ME! Story of my life.. Nothing is never about me! Can i be put first before anyone else even a dog? No I am last when it comes to everyone!
That is why the post title today.. I feel that love came with a price tag and honestly. The thing is what can you do to change it or fix it when it comes to this point! Enough ramblings for the moment.. I will be back later!
Ever get those feelings like you are never enough for anyone no matter what you do! How do you make them stop is the biggest question? Tears that fall so easily because its a all you have known and history seems to repeat its self no matter what I do or say! You give your all to someone and it seems that no matter what it fails miserably! Making you question everything you do or say! Making you truly think that you are the one who causes everything! As I sit here trying to get things out the way I want to, tears are trying to form but I try to hide them because I am told I am to emotional. That I need to stop crying because No one wants to hear it! You are supposed to be here to support me not me supporting you and getting nothing in return! I lay awake at night and wonder why is it so wrong to want to be held! To what the attention and the love that I deserve! I guess I will just forever be NEVER ENOUGH FOR ANYONE!