Quarantine

Quarantine

In Quarantine is not how any of us expected 2020 to turn out. Being stuck in the house non stop with people who generally are really cranky and moody you tend to want nothing to do with them. It honestly does not help when they despise your child and have not real good reason to. Just because she is not your normal teenager. He is his own person and that is how they are raised. Constantly hearing how bad of a job I am doing raising him and that I am not a mother to him. Makes me think honestly that I am a bad mom and an unfit parent at that. They don’t realize that it weighs heavy on me, I did my best to raise my children and to take care of my children.

Though lately it seems that no matter what I do our say is wrong. I know that no one likes him and that’s the thing. He knows this mainly because no one will say two words to him and they tiptoe around because they are scared of what a 14 year old. Do they not get this is new for him. Not to go out and do things, because of the virus. And partly because don’t think a child needs to go anywhere. That kids should be seen and not heard. I’m sorry I am allowing my child too heave a mind of his own. I have never once told my child that they could be quiet. Then I am told he spends to much time in his room on the phone, watching something or drawing.. Since when is that a problem because I am not making him do your bidding and all the fucking housework.. I am sorry but when you have 3 other adults in the house who is actually capable of doing a few things but wont for one reason or another. Then it all falls back on me then I am told that I am lazy as well because I do not do it right away. God forbid I get up and sit down for a bit and wake up before I jump into chores..

I am the type of person who needs coffee to wake up most mornings.. But seriously when you go to bed at almost 5 am because no one will let you sleep before then and you are getting 4 hours sleep yes you need alot of coffee! Sadly I don’t get that. Maybe 2 cups a day if I am lucky!   Sometimes I get lucky and am actually able to sit and relax before jumping into anything. Though honestly that is a rare chance.

Anyways I hope the Quarantine life is treating you better.
Stay Safe and lots of Love!

 

 

Struggling

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Over the past couple of days I have really been struggling with many things.. I am depressed and no one really seems to care. I keep things hidden because no matter what I do its always the same thing

” You bring this on your self.”

” You are a bad person”

“You need to loose weight”

“You need to stop being such a baby”

“It’s all your fault Kris is the way she is”

“You made her this way”

So why bother telling anyone anything if all you do is get blamed for everything no matter what.  I have learned that you are not supposed to regret the choices you make in life. You should learn from them.  Yes, I never regret any of my choices and I have learned alot from things.

My struggles with all of that has been making me rethink the blog and its entirety! I mean granted the name and domain was given to me by a dear friend of mine so i just went with it and made it my own. I have been struggling with do I start something new that is my own or just continue this one..   I am torn i really am.. For years i have used Standing Still and now this. So its like what do i do..

The struggles at home are reflecting heavily on my blog choices.

 

 

 

 

A New Year

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Well today marks the second day to the New Year and I am not sure how I am liking it so far.  I mean the 1st of the year was OK, but today we got an unexpected call that no one really wants to here, the partners mother passed away this morning and it was a complete shock to us all. I mean complete shock.    I think once the funeral is done and over with things will kind of get better and semi easier., though who knows really.. Its a New Year and a new Start!

Other than that  2020 promises to be a good year. Well we can hope so anyway.  I am sure I will still have my challenges this year as I did last but that is about it..  No resolutions that are never really kept anyway.   I do not see the point.. Yes, I always say i am going to blog more but i have not see that happen yet! I say that i am going to do this and that and nothing has happened yet! So no resolutions. Just see how the year goes and hopefully it is a good one!

Well, It took me a bit to get back to this post and finish it. Alot has happened over the 6 days.  My Partners birth mom passed away unexpectedly and its been a mess here. Going through her things now and the funeral. I just want to scream. I can not seem to catch a break honestly. I am over ran!  Though I am hoping that once things settle down I will be able to sit and write more, though who knows..  Well I better get this posted.. Will be back soon with an update!

 

 

 

 

Price Tags on Love

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You can’t put a price tag on love or can you? That is the one thing that is on my mind today!  Why, the reasoning is very simple..  My birthday is next month and I was thinking about what I wanted.. I do not ask for much on my birthday simple reasons I never get it..  The first thing  that came to mind is something I have wanted to do for a while now.. A simple tattoo on my shoulder blade that says Always & Forever.  That came to a quick no, because her family does not believe in tattoos.  They are the work of the devil and so forth.  I have 7 and would I go as far as regretting my tattoos no way in hell..   So thinking about it something else that came to mind is a New Barnes and Nobles Nook because the one I have died and I love reading.. I was told when I get the money and thinking to my self how the hell is that ever going to happen because I have no job because I stay here and clean the house and take care of every one else..  You would think that someone who supposedly loves you and appreciates everything that you do for them as much as she claims she does would spend a little bit on money on the person you care about.. I was sadly mistaken. So it seems a price tag has been put on love.. Hell I have told her for months that I need a pedicure because my heals are getting so bad that it hurts to walk, that has not happened yet and possibly wont happen anytime soon. SO guess what I deal with it..  I was told that I ask for everything.. Ok just because I said something in cute does not mean I want it.. Yes, It would be nice to actually have new clothes that I have not had for years  but no that wont happen.. I deal with what I have. Do I want to get out and get a job yes just so i can get away from here. But what then I still wont have money because I have to help with the household expenses while She does nothing because her back is hurt.  I hurt to but then again i am told its NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ME!  Story of my life.. Nothing is never about me!  Can i be put first before anyone else even a dog? No I am last when it comes to everyone!

That is why the post title today.. I feel that love came with a price tag and honestly. The thing is what can you do to change it or fix it when it comes to this point!    Enough ramblings for the moment.. I will be back later!

 

xoxo

 

 

Never Enough

Ever get those feelings like you are never enough for anyone no matter what you do!  How do you make them stop is the biggest question? Tears that fall so easily because its a all you have known and history seems to repeat its self no matter what I do or say!  You give your all to someone and it seems that no matter what it fails miserably!  Making you question everything you do or say! Making you truly think that you are the one who causes everything!  As I sit here trying to get things out the way I want to, tears are trying to form but I try to hide them because I am told I am to emotional. That I need to stop crying because No one wants to hear it!   You are supposed to be here to support me not me supporting you and getting nothing in return!   I  lay awake at night and wonder why is it so wrong to want to be held! To what the attention and the love that I deserve!  I guess I will just forever be NEVER ENOUGH FOR ANYONE!  

2018

I am not even sure where to begin with 2018. It seems to start and end the same way. Hoping that the new year is alot better but who can really say that for sure. You think when you start off a year it will always be better than the last one but honestly it seems to turn out just like the last one. The only thing 2018 taught me is never look back on the past. Always look forward to tomorrow. Never take things or any one for granted.. You never know what the future will hold for you or them! They may cross your path again. Usually that means they are in your life for one reason or another! You never know!

Though 2019 I am determined to make it better for me. I plan on making the most of the new year! What are my 2019 Goals ? I have a few of them actually

  1. Blog More – Do a few posts a week
  2. Find a good job. All things considered if appointments for everyone allows
  3. Talk to my kids more. I may not be able to see them as much as i want to but that does not mean i can not talk to them Facetime, skype, what ever it may be.
  4. Read more – put my kindle and my nook to use. READ
  5. clean out my hard drives finally – delete alot of the old things! Pictures i will of course save because though they may hold pieces of past memories you never know when you want to look back at what life has taught you!
  6. Get a better phone!
  7. Realize who my friends and family are and remove those out of my life that always try to put me down no matter what i do.
  8. be better organized – use Cozi more for appointments and reminders of things – clean my file cabinets as well as my paper files as well as the shelf i have.. See what i want to keep and remove all the other stuff.. RECYCLE
  9. Loose some weight- I am not big by any means but i want to loose some weight
  10. DO MORE FOR ME AND ENJOY 2019 – Making the most of it!

Strong Enough

Sometimes you ask yourself are you really strong enough to get through everything that lies ahead but you realize you’ve done it before just in a different place yes I know I’m strong because I’ve stood on my feet before I pick my stuff up when I’ve been broken so why is now any different because one I thought I found somebody who actually loves me for me and will actually care for me the way I need to be cared for and loved I guess I was wrong caring for somebody and loving somebody isn’t putting your needs before there’s it’s putting them before you I’ve never been put first in any relationship that I’ve been in even when I was married the military was first and I was lost but that’s what you get when you’re military wife so I understood that my needs my lack of sleep and everything else is always lost nobody cares the way I feel I’m in emotional mess but I don’t let everybody see it I put on that fake smile every day like I put on my make up just to nobody knows the pain that’s hiding in the eyes very few can see it very few know it’s there But if you look deep in my eyes you will see the pain and the hurt and the frustration that I feel and have every day!

I wonder am I strong Enough to get through this!