I really didn’t want to leave her in that hole next to my dad. It felt like I was abandoning her. I could have sat down on that damp cold ground in the 39 F cold air and sat with her into today’s morning hours without a regret. It just seemed wrong at first.
My mom passed away in December 2017 and we were unable to get things together to put her in the plot with my dad this summer. We were able however to do it yesterday. Heart wrenching, The night she passed away holding my hand came back to me as though reliving it. Setting her urn in the ground touching my dad’s urn was so hard. I didn’t want to set her in in there. I spent an entire 15 to 20 minutes with her before I had to kneel and kiss her goodbye. Out of the entire graveside service what really made me not want to walk away was my aunt reading Psalm 23. Very appropriate and it turned my aunt and I into sniffling, crying women standing in front of a hole in the ground, missing my mom more at that moment then since the night she passed from her earthly shell to the Heavens in which she was not afraid of seeing.
Upon returning home, crying and sleeping on and off, I lit the Yankee Candle with my mom’s picture on it for a few hours, smelling macintosh apples. Her favorite to snack on and you knew when she was eating them. The second you stepped in her door you could smell an apple orchard in her living room! I’m not kidding or exaggerating. Then this morning as I was going about updating my planner I stopped to really read the quote and scripture for this week. I mean really read it. I think, for me at least, that this weeks quote and scripture fell into the same category and theme for my scripture studies this week. Not a coincidence but God’s work in keeping me grounded, and on the path that I’m on. To remind me that Hope and Faith are all I need to focus on this week.
Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. [Isaiah 40:31]
I know God is talking to me. He knows in a moment of sorrow and despair that things for me could go from being a grieving daughter to a very depressed one with loss of hope, anger at God, and turning loved ones away. God wants me to grieve but be happy in the hope that she is not gone to me forever. That I will rest easy and assured she is in His kingdom and no longer in pain, but happy and this new life she’s obtained will be a life she can live forever. God wants me to have hope. My hope is my faith. My faith in God, in my walk with Jesus Christ and following him, will strenthen me, give me peace and the knowledge that Mom and Dad are there waiting for me.
My faith gives me joy, peace, and yes I have to admit there’s moments throughout everyday where my contentment with what I’m doing is over-abundant and I know Jesus is standing beside me, God is looking down at me and I have nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. Life is good. Life is great. There is nothing my hope cannot get me through. My faith is that strong!
The word hope I take for faith; and indeed hope is nothing else but the constancy of faith – John Calvin
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