Sinking

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The divorce has been final since the 11th of August and yes I am  happy about that but lately I feel that I am sinking and I do not know how to pull myself out of this depression that I am in lately.  I am struggling as it is to keep my head above water. I am trying my best to pay my bills as well as everything else and sadly right now I am not even doing that. I am struggling so bad its not funny. I am literally sinking.  I feel like no matter what I do or what I try I am never going to be able to pull my self back from this. I have been working my ass off and I have nothing to show for it. I mean nothing.  Yes I get a pay check every week, but I have no car, and need to find a place to go.. I can not stay here really any longer and until I get a vehicle I can not really do anything because of the simple fact I have no way to get anywhere. The tags are dead on the van, the breaks are bad as well as Rick never paid the insurance on it so I am screwed literally and not in a good way.  So what is it that I am supposed to do. How am I to pull my self up when I have no one to lean on?  That is the thing I have been asking my self lately. Who is there for me to depend on when I can not even depend on my self right now? No one really.. It seems that no matter how hard I try to help others, when I need the help no one is around.    So my days have been filled with working, reading and now since my blog is finally done, I will be posting more.  I want to blog the way I want to and not have someone else tell me what to post when to post or how to post.  I want to share my struggles with others from the beginning to the end. No my life has never been a cake walk and so much I can write about and maybe it will help me be a better person for sharing it with the world.  Anyways I am going to go curl up on the couch with some fruit loops and watch Netflix.  I will be back soon!

Rant

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Is it really ok for someone to sit there and tear you down and threaten you? I am sorry that you think it is ok but honestly I am so tired of your crap. I am so tired of being treated like your punching bag.  It is either threats or you telling me how worthless I am.. Honestly I ask my self why I stayed married as long as I did.  Honestly.. threating to burn my house down, WOW Childish much.. All your countless hurtfull words and you always wondered why I had low self esteam.  Finally I am working on that no thanks to you. Yes, so many names I want to call you that I can think of at this moment but you know I learned I am better than that.     Sometimes I think to myself am I really everything that I am called? Hell My family even seems to think so. So It must be true Right?   It is constant You say I deserve EVERYTHING  YOU CALL ME AND YOU DESERVE TO CALL ME THAT FOR RUNNING YOUR LIFE. Right How the hell did I ruin your life ? You are the one who wanted to get married because you thought it was a good idea.. Right seems to be the wrong choice now and I regret it… NO that does not mean i regret my children.. They are one thing I DO NOT REGRET SO DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE AND THINK I DO.. I DO NOT..

I get so tired of being called all these names when all it does is emotionally bring me down.. I am a better person than you think I am..

Loneliness

sad-bear1The moments when you  look for someones shoulder to cry on and you realize you are pretty much alone except for the few close friends I do have. No one whom, I can call to come over when the weight of the world is to much and all I want to do is cry.  Yes, I am happily engaged to Chris and love him with all my heart. He is my support system but sometimes you need the family and friends around to help you through things. It seems that though I have extended family I have no close family that I can really turn to and talk to because lately it seems that they could careless about me and my feelings.   Being told you can go die more than once a week is a little much and I am sorry but that tends to get to you. As well as being told I deserve nothing in life. You believe it after a while really you do.    It is bad enough I am stuck with a vehicle or a way to go anywhere. Luckily work is not far from the house and I can walk but really do I really want to walk across the highway. I am sorry but I really do not trust the traffic? No, Not really I do not..  I can not get a loan or a credit card because the ex owes to much on the van as it is.. So I am pretty much screwed unless I get a co signer. I do not see that happening.. People are more reluctant to help  the ex than they are me and that is my family.   Chris  is working 2 jobs and seeing each  other very little has taken a toll on him, his depression has kicked up. Mine is kicking into high gear, but I don’t take  meds, I have not been to the doctor for it in years.  The past 3 days all I have done  is cry and today I am doing better than I have been.  Being told I deserve nothing in my life, that  I am worthless and I could rot. Plays a toll and those words stick with you especially  when your baby sister  is the one saying those words.  Though I can hear Chris in my head telling me I am worth it and I deserve the world, makes the words less meaningful but they still sting and stick in the back of your mind.  People wonder why I don’t sleep well or why I am stressed out, This is why. I feel alone in my thoughts and wonder am I the only one who has ever had to deal with this in a divorce or am I missing something. Though in reality I know that I am not a lone. I have a wonderful man who loves me and will until the end of time.  All I know the 11th of August can not come soon enough. That is the hearing  date and  I am hoping it is all easier after that.  I can not deal with this craziness much longer. My poor stress level is through the roof. Though I think blocking numbers and everything may be what I do.  I will think on that after I calm down, breathe  listen to Chris’s words and go to sleep.  I guess that is all the rant for the night. This babygirl needs to sleep for work tomorrow.  Good Night and Sweetest of Dreams

In My Shoes

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Lately,  it seems that no matter what happens  or I post anywhere I always get ” Oh Sweetheart I understand completely!” Do not tell me you understand or pretend you know me let alone judge me until you have walked in my shoes.   It gets kind of old quick after a while. I mean do you really know me or do you really want to know  what is going on in my life! I get that some of you may have  gone through everything  as well and I get that but sometimes. Before you judge me try walking in my shoes.  I know that people are trying to help and to make me feel better, but honestly,  sometimes it makes me feel worse. You trying to sympathize with me is not helping me at all.   I understand that divorce is a common thing lately but everyone is different.  Every divorce case is not the same. Some get to over dramatic with it and try and make it worse than it needs to be especially when you have agreed on a civil divorce because there is children involved. Not to mention everyone tries to tell me that I am wrong. What is so wrong? I left to find happiness. I left because after 18 years I always put everyone else and their  needs before my own. I left for me. I left because I was unhappy and needed to be happy for me. What was I supposed to do sit and be miserable for the rest of my life and cater to everyone else like I was doing!  Yes, I have had some struggles here but who does not have struggles especially after starting over in life after being married for so long.  I am pulling through and making my own way. Yes, I have had some help along the way but there is nothing wrong with having a little bit of help now and then.  Gradually and slowly  I am making my way. With Chris by my side all things are possible and he believes in me when I do not believe in my self half of the time.  Yes, there has been times when all I want to do is give up and he reminds me that I can not give up.

Ok so back to the origional topic. The other day someone said something to me and it kind of took me off gaurd and it was to the point to where it hurt. I made it a point to flat out tell them  ” Do not judge me until you walk in my shoes.” They were trying to tell me that it was my fault for everything I am going through. What exactly is my fault? Can someone explain that to me? Is it because I chose a different place for my life? Is it because I put my happiness before others for once? Is it because I am getting a divorce? Or is it because of whom I choose to love?  Honestly I think  I am told that because they simply do not understand my life or anything in my life.   Whom I choose to love and fall in love with is my choice and no one elses.  Love knows no Gender or Sexuality. So Guess what I am happy with my life the way it is and honestly before you pass judgement on me or anyone else try walking in out shoes. No one is perfect. Not even  the one passing judgement. I know I am flawed and I have made mistakes in my life. Who does not make mistakes? We all have at some point in our lives..

Well that is it for now I want to get this posted. What are your thoughts? Are you tired of being judges for something ?